Summary of The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

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  • Post last modified:February 1, 2024

Part VII: Body Practices

Chapter 44: Ejaculation Should Be Converted or Consciously Chosen

If a man cannot control his ejaculation, it means his girl has power and control over him.

Over time, that will hurt the relationship. Furthermore, ejaculation depletes and weakens you.

The price of a few seconds of orgasm is days of mediocrity.

In a subtle way, excess ejaculations will diminish your courage to take risks, professionally and spiritually. You will settle for doing enough to get by, to be comfortable, but you will find that you would rather watch TV than write your novel, meditate, or make that important phone call.

After you ejaculate, you don’t really want to have sex with her anymore. She feels it. She also thinks that if you don’t want her anymore, you also don’t want to go after your mission.

This is bad for the relationship.

On the one hand, she’s happy when you come. On the other, she’s disappointed.

Every time she sucks you into an uncontrollable need to ejaculate, she has conquered you. And, deep down, she knows the world can do the same to you.

If you decide to ejaculate, you should do it consciously. You can never “not control it”.

Chapter 45: Breathe Down the Front

When something bad happens, your jaw, stomach, and front get tensed.

Try to relax. By maintaining an open and relaxed body, your power flows freely and your presence fills the room.

People with charisma are relaxed and attentive.

To remedy the tension, breathe.

Breathe with your belly through your nose, and exhale through your mouth.

The way you generate tension is by closing yourself to others. As a result, the best way to release it is by opening yourself to others; doing something for them.

It can be as simple as doing the dishes.

Chapter 46: Ejaculate up the Spine

There are two types of orgasms: depletive orgasms and rejuvenative orgasms. Depletive orgasms are orgasms reached for their own sake. They’re premature.

If you ejaculate before both you and your girlfriend are completely open to one another, the ejaculation is premature.

To realize the full potential of sex, you need to unlearn the way you ejaculate – that is, you need to unlearn masturbation.

  1. Be fully aware of your body and of the moment. Don’t fantasize in your mind.
  2. Don’t tense your muscles -> relax them.
  3. Don’t breathe fast -> breathe slowly.
  4. Don’t tie your belly -> relax it.
  5. Direct your attention to your partner. Feel sex through her body.
  6. Practice the Kegel exercise both outside sex and during sex. By doing so, you will transform the orgasm from a depletive orgasm to a rejuvenating orgasm.

None of this can work if you don’t fully open yourself to loving your partner.

Part VIII: Men’s and Women’s Yoga of Intimacy

Chapter 47: Take Into Account the Primary Asymmetry

The priority of a man is his mission. The priority of a woman is love (aka her relationship). They must both support each other to make the relationship work.

To you, intimacy is something to be enjoyed in addition to your purpose. To your woman, intimacy is at the core of her life, and the tone of your intimacy colors everything else she does.

For most men, their girlfriend is replaceable. Men know that if they were to lose their girl, they would find another one.

This isn’t the case for girls. They’re really attached to their boyfriends.

Whereas you live in a world of relational possibility, she lives in a world of relational actuality.

Your relationship with her determines almost everything in her life.

Doesn’t matter how much she tries to fulfill herself with a career, art, or friends – that’ll never replace a relationship.

Western culture has become so anti-feminine that many women deny their own femininity by adopting men’s desires and aspirations.

By denying their feminine essence, such women are predisposing themselves to emptiness of heart, depression, and bodily symptoms of disease.

If you feel guilty for not being into your girl as much as she is into you, don’t worry. It’s normal, and it’s healthy. The opposite would mean the end of the relationship.

Don’t worry, and keep your eyes and dedication on your mission.

Honoring and understanding this asymmetry is primary.

When you both honor the primary asymmetry in intimacy, you can each concentrate on your true desires rather than compromising for the sake of an imaginary truce between genders.

However, if she has chosen to deny her heart desire and adopt more masculine goals of purpose and mission as her core needs, both of you will suffer.

Chapter 48: You Are Responsible for the Growth in Intimacy

The man is responsible for the growth of the relationship and for the woman’s depth of love.

The woman is responsible for the intimacy of the relationship and for the man’s energy.

It’s important to serve your partner in the relationship.

As a man, you have the gift to get a woman out of her bad mood by giving her your love.

The point is not to be her therapist, but to be her wake-up call, her heart-opener, her reminder of the primacy of love.

If she’s always stressed out, you need to know what she needs to change so she can relax.

Your main gift in intimacy is to guide her, moment by moment, out of her moods and into the openness of loving.

The woman’s job is to get you back into the present. Because you get lost in projects and thoughts, her energy is there to bring you back into your body.

Without a woman in your life, you’ll spend your time working, lost in books or on the Internet.

Chapter 49: Insist on Practice and Growth

If you don’t know where you’re going, your girl will have a hard time trusting you. So the first step is to find your path, your mission.

When there is a conflict of decision in the relationship, the weak man plays the nice guy.

The less mature man says “if you’re not happy, you can leave”.

The Superior Man slices through her bullsh*t with compassion and patience and seeks nothing but the best for his girl.

Chapter 50: Restore Your Purpose in Solitude And With Other Men

If you spend too much time with your girlfriend, both of you will depolarize. She will become more masculine and you will become more feminine.

To recharge, girls should spend time with girls and guys should spend time with guys.

Men can recharge their masculine energy in two ways.

  1. Austerity: no TV, sex, entertainment. No comfort. The purpose is that you can feel your suffering, which stimulates growth.
  2. Challenge: another form of suffering. These can be physical (climbing, running, etc), or psychological, by doing something you’re afraid of.

Unadorned suffering is the bedmate of masculine growth. Only by staying intimate with your personal suffering can you feel through it to its source. By putting all your attention into work, TV, sex, and reading, your suffering remains unpenetrated, and the source remains hidden.

At least once a week spend time with men only. And spend time alone, too.

Chapter 51: Practice Dissolving

Like dissolving in the intensity of an orgasm, a man’s greatest desire is to be utterly released.

Embrace every moment of experience as a lover, and trust whatever direction love moves you. Die in the giving of your gift, so you don’t even notice you have stopped holding onto yourself. Fear is your final excuse. Don’t fight it. Love through it.

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