- WWI, feminism, and public schooling have broken the bond between boys and their fathers.
- The last generations of boys grew up without a healthy male model and adopted as a result a feminized version of masculinity, called the Nice Guy Syndrome.
- Nice Guys force themselves to live according to a set of rules they learned in their childhood as a result of not getting their needs met.
- The pattern goes like this: I have needs -> they’re not met, probably because I am bad -> I have to be good to get my needs met. Nice Guys believe that they have to be perfect to get their needs met.
- By trying to appear perfect in the eyes of everyone else, they cut themselves from their core masculinity which prevents them from being happy and fulfilled.
- They expect other people to fulfill their needs if they behave well, and become rageful and frustrated when they don’t.
- To recover, Nice Guys must understand that they have to put their needs a priority, change the way they think and act, face their fears, and express themselves clearly.
Table of Contents
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What No More Mr. Nice Guy Talks About
No More Mr. Nice Guy is a book written by the psychiatrist Dr. Robert Glover. It explains how societal changes have taken away boys’ role models which leads them to seek everyone’s approval constantly. The book is a proven method to help men reclaim their masculinity and get the life they desire.
This book is by far the best book for men’s mental health.
10/10. If you’re a man and you’re struggling in your life, read it (do not let the ugliest cover in the history of books discourage you).
If you have never read it, do yourself a favor and buy a copy. Don’t read the summary.
Short Summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy
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The Nice Guy syndrome finds its roots in societal shifts and in the poor education men received.
Societal changes enacted after WWII have led to three major disruptions in the lives of young boys.
- They lost their relationship with their fathers: in the past, boys worked alongside their fathers and cousins in the fields. Today, fathers go to work and boys go to school where they are (likely) educated by women.
- They were educated by women only: the educational system, widely dominated by women, trained boys to seek the approval of women constantly. The rise of divorces led boys to spend more time with their mothers than with their fathers.
- The rise of feminism: feminism was often communicated as an anti-man ideology instead of a pro-woman ideology.
Additionally, most Nice Guys had unmet needs between 0 and 5.
This led them to develop the following paradigm they didn’t get rid of as they grew.
- I am not getting my needs met.
- I am not getting them met because I am bad, invisible, not enough, or I don’t matter.
- I have to be a good boy and respect all the rules to get my needs met.
- If I become a good boy, others will notice me and fulfill my needs.
As a result, Nice Guys:
- Spend their time helping others and fixing all the problems they can find.
- Constantly seek the approval of others, particularly women.
- Hide and repress all of their “negative sides” due to their certainty that they are bad. Doing so, they cut themselves off from their masculinity and identity.
- Constantly fear being abandoned or scolded, and repress their feelings as a result, which prevents them from bonding with other people.
This leads these men to experience difficulties:
- In their relationships: they don’t state what they want, get angry when they don’t get it, can’t set boundaries, and constantly seek to please their partner which annoys the latter due to the pressure and lack of confidence.
- In their lives: they are constantly unhappy due to their incapacity to state what they want, and their passivity because they never go get it due to their low self-esteem and beliefs that they don’t deserve it anyway. They don’t respect themselves, so no one respects them.
- At work: they hide all of the mistakes that they made and are afraid to succeed as this would direct too much attention on them and they’re afraid to be discovered as a fraud.
Nice Guys are stubborn. The less their niceness work, the more they do it.
They must change the way they think and act and reclaim their masculinity if they hope to have a fulfilling life and relationships at some point.
Nice Guys stop being Nice Guys when they:
- Prioritize their needs: they become conscious of what they intrinsically want to do and do it.
- Stop seeking approval from anyone: particularly from women.
- Understand where their shame and low self-worth come from, and release their toxic shame.
- Face their fears: the fear of rejection, abandonment, and losing what they have compel nice guys to keep on being nice.
- Set boundaries: Nice Guys never say no because they’re scared to be rejected or abandoned as a result.
- Experience and express their feelings: Nice Guys repress their feelings and are highly analytical (too much).
- Understand they cannot control everything: Nice Guys must find peace in the chaos and constantly changing nature of life by developing the confidence that whatever happens, they will be ok.