Short Summary: 2 min
Summary: 55 min (yes, I know)
Book reading time: 4h37
Score: 10/10
Book published in: 2003
Takeaway
- A series of societal shifts have broken the bond between boys and their fathers.
- Boys have grown up without a healthy male role model and have as a result adopted a feminized version of masculinity called the Nice Guy Syndrome.
- Nice Guys force themselves to live according to a set of rules they have acquired in their childhood as a result of not getting their needs met.
- The pattern goes like this: I have needs -> they’re not met, probably because I am bad -> I have to be good to get my needs met.
- Nice Guys believe that they have to do everything well to satisfy everyone and get their needs met.
- Doing so, they cut themselves from their core masculinity which prevents them from being happy and fulfilled.
- They expect other people to fulfill their needs as a result of them being “good boys”, and become rageful and frustrated when they don’t.
- To recover, Nice Guys must understand that they have to put their needs a priority, change the way they think and act, face their fears, and express themselves clearly.
What No More Mr. Nice Guy Talks About
No More Mr. Nice Guy is a book written by the psychiatrist Dr. Robert Glover. It explains how societal changes have led young boys to hopelessly seek everyone’s approval constantly. They try their best to be “good boys”, get split from their core masculine identity, and struggle in their daily lives as a result. The book is a proven method to help men reclaim their masculinity and get the life they desire.
I noticed lately that I had a tendency to lack assertiveness, so I read The Assertiveness Workbook but I didn’t find it good enough. I remember that No Mr. Nice Guy, which I read in 2017, was much better, so I decided to re-read it.
This book is by far the best book for men’s mental health.
10/10. If you’re a man and you’re struggling in your life, read it (do not let the ugliest cover in the history of books discourage you).
If you have never read it, do yourself a favor and buy a copy. Don’t read the summary.
If you have read it though, this is the best summary on the Internet (!!).
Enjoy!
Table of Content
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Chapter One: The Nice Guy Syndrome
Chapter Two: The Making Of A Nice Guy
Chapter Three: Learn to Please Yourself
Chapter Four: Make Your Needs a Priority
Chapter Five: Reclaim Your Personal Power
Chapter Six: Reclaim Your Masculinity
Chapter Seven: Get The Love You Want: Success Strategies For Intimate Relationships
Chapter Eight: Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex
Chapter Nine: Get The Life You Want: Discover Your Passion And Purpose In Life, Work, And Career
Short Summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy
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There are several elements that make men Nice Guys: societal changes on one hand, and their early childhood on the other.
Societal changes enacted after WWII have led to three major disruptions in the life of young boys.
- They lost the link with their fathers: in the past, boys worked alongside their fathers and cousins in the fields. Fathers go now to work in the factory or office, and boys go to school.
- They were educated by women only: the educational system, widely dominated by women, trained boys to seek the approval of women constantly. The rise of divorces meant boys were only raised by their mothers.
- The rise of feminism: feminism was often communicated as anti-man instead of pro-woman.
Additionally, Nice Guys become Nice Guys due to their early childhood. At some point, between the age of zero and five years old, they had some needs (love, attention, etc) that weren’t met by their parents.
This led them to develop the following paradigm which they didn’t get rid of as they grew.
- I am not getting my needs met.
- I am not getting them met because I am bad, invisible, not enough, or I don’t matter.
- I have to be a good boy and respect all of the rules to get my needs met.
- If I become a good boy, others will notice me and fulfill my needs.
As a result, Nice Guys:
- Spend their time helping others and fixing all the problems they can find.
- Constantly seek the approval of others, particularly women.
- Hide and repress all of their “negative sides” due to their certainty that they are bad. Doing so, they cut themselves off from their masculinity and identity.
- Constantly fear being abandoned or scolded, and repress their feelings as a result, which prevents them from bonding with other people.
This leads these men to experience difficulties:
- In their relationships: they don’t state what they want, get angry when they don’t get it, can’t set boundaries, and constantly seek to please their partner which annoys the latter due to the pressure and lack of confidence communicated.
- In their lives: they are constantly unhappy due to their incapacity to state what they want, and their passivity because they never go get it due to their low self-esteem and beliefs that they don’t deserve it anyway. They don’t respect themselves, so no one respects them.
- At work: they hide all of the mistakes that they made and are afraid to succeed as this would direct too much attention on them and they’re afraid to be discovered as a fraud.
Nice Guys are stubborn. The less their niceness work, the more they do it.
They much change the way they think and act and reclaim their masculinity if they hope to have a fulfilling life and relationships at some point.
Nice Guys stop being Nice Guys when they:
- Prioritize their needs: they become conscious of what they intrinsically want to do and do it.
- Stop seeking approval from anyone: particularly from women.
- Understand where their shame and low self-worth come from, and release their toxic shame.
- Face their fears: the fear of rejection, abandonment, and losing what they have compel nice guys to keep on being nice.
- Set boundaries: Nice Guys never say no because they’re scared to be rejected or abandoned as a result.
- Experience and express their feelings: Nice Guys repress their feelings and are highly analytical (too much).
- Understand they cannot control everything: Nice Guys must find peace in the chaos and constantly changing nature of life by developing the confidence that whatever happens, they will be ok.