Summary of No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

Chapter Eight: Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex

For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified.

Take everything that Nice Guys do:

• Their shame
• Their sacrifice of self
• Their approval seeking
• Their doing the opposite of what works
• Their indirectness
• Their caretaking
• Their covert contracts
• Their controlling behavior
• Their fear
• Their dishonesty
• Their difficulty receiving
• Their dysfunctional relationships
• Their loss of masculine energy

And now you have an idea of how they do sex.

All Nice Guys have problems with sex, as none of them get enough of it.

Also, they:

• Settle for bad sex
• Have sexual dysfunction (can’t maintain erection, come too fast)
• Are sexually repressed
• Are addicted to it (excessive masturbation, porn, etc)

The reason why Nice Guys struggle with sex is due to their shame and fear of being sexual.

It’s the hardest thing to understand for Nice Guys.

If you looked into a Nice Guy’s mind to search for information about sex, you would find:

• Memories of childhood experiences that made him feel like he was bad
• The pain of not getting his needs met in a timely, healthy manner
• The effects of growing up with sexually wounded parents
• The sexual distortions and illusions of a really screwed-up society
• The absence of accurate sexual information when it was needed
• The sexual guilt and shame associated with centuries of religious influence
• The effects of covert sexual bonds created by his mother
• The trauma of sexual violations
• The memories of early sexual experiences wrapped in secrecy
• The distorted and unrealistic images of bodies and sex in pornography
• The shame of hidden, compulsive behaviors
• The memories of previous sexual failures or rejections

Nice Guys find 1001 ways to distract themselves from their own dysfunctional relationship with sex by:

• Avoiding sexual situations and sexual opportunities
• Trying to be a good lover
• Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors
• Repressing their life energy
• Settling for bad sex

Let’s have a look at each of them.

Avoiding Sex

Lots of Nice Guys believe women don’t want sex, so they engage in sexual activities (like kissing) without engaging in sex. And when they do have sex, Nice Guys don’t penetrate their partner for a long time.

Trying to Be a Good Lover

Nice Guys want to be good lovers to feel valued and get women’s approval, so they mainly focus on pleasing their partner and forget about themselves.

This strategy can also allow them to set themselves apart from other men, or to distract themselves from their shame.

Obviously, this is a disaster and creates a recipe for bad, boring sex.

Hiding Compulsive Behaviors

Nice Guys believe that sex takes away loneliness, cures boredom, alleviates feelings of worthlessness, smooths over conflict, creates feelings of being loved, relieves stress, and generally solves all personal problems.

They have always used sex as a distraction from the loneliness they feel. But since they think sex is bad, they leave it out of sight and repress their sexual desires. The nicer the Nice Guy, the more distorted his sexual secrets.

The more dependent on approval he is, the deeper he will hide his sexual needs.

Repressing Their Life Energy

When they become teenagers, boys must learn how to attract girls’ attention to have sex with them. A few find it easily and quickly, but the majority has no clue.

Many decide to “be nice” in the hopes that it would work and then carry this strategy into adulthood.

The problem is that trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy.

The more they try to be nice the less attracted women are.

Settling for Bad Sex

Nice Guys indirectly signal they want sex and become frustrated when they don’t get it. They’re never clear about what they want and are never free to do what they want because they are afraid of losing their wives’ approval.

In order to make sure they get it, they focus 100% on their girlfriends.

This creates bad sex which creates resentment.

Getting Good Sex

Let’s now have a look at how to get good sex with the following strategies:

• Coming out of the closet
• Taking matters into their own hands
• Saying “no” to bad sex
• Following the example of the bull moose

Coming Out Of The Closet

Internalized shame and fear are the greatest barriers to a satisfying sex life.

As long as you don’t get rid of them, you can read all of the pickup books that you want, you won’t succeed.

You need to bring out your shame and fear out of the closet to look at it and subsequently release it.

This is mandatory!

To release sexual shame and fear, the recovering Nice Guy must expose every aspect of his sexual self to safe, supportive people.

Breaking Free: Pop Quiz
Most Nice Guys initially deny having any shame and fear about sex. Take the following quiz to see if you are in denial about your own sexual shame and fear.

1. Think back to your first sexual experience. Was it:
a. A joyous experience that you could share with family and friends?
b. Hidden, rushed, guilt-ridden, or in a less-than-ideal situation?
c. Painful, abusive, or frightening?

2. When it comes to masturbation:
a. Do you and your partner talk openly and comfortably about the subject?
b. Would there be a crisis if your partner “caught” you doing it?
c. Do you do it compulsively or in secret?

3. When it comes to your sexual experiences, thoughts, or impulses:
a. You are comfortable revealing everything about yourself to your partner.
b. You have secrets that you have never shared with anyone.
c. Some aspect of your sexuality has caused a crisis in an intimate relationship.
d. At some time in your life you have tried to eliminate or limit some problematic sexual behavior. If you answered anything but “a” on any of the questions, you have sexual shame and fear.

Read on.

Breaking Free: Activity 37
Find a safe place to talk about the following issues:
– Your sexual history. Discuss your earliest sexual memory; your childhood experiences; any sexual violation and trauma; any sexual issues in your family; your first sexual experience; your adult sexual history.

– Ways in which you have acted out sexually. Discuss any way you may have acted out through affairs, prostitution, peep shows, 900 numbers, use of pornography, exhibitionism, fetishes, etc.

– Your dark side. Discuss those things that even you have a hard time looking at in yourself—fantasies, rage, offending behavior.

Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

No one was put into this world to meet your needs but you.

All macro behavior patterns are the results of millions of micro behavior patterns.

If you want to change the macro behavior, change the micro ones.

Going out to find more women is useless. Before you can have a fulfilling sex life with other people, you should have a fulfilling sex life with yourself.

How? Practice healthy masturbation. Get comfortable with giving pleasure to yourself, without the use of pornography or fantasies.

Healthy masturbation is a process of letting sexual energy unfold. It is about learning to pay attention to what feels good. Most of all, it is about accepting sole responsibility for one’s sexual pleasure and expression.

Healthy masturbation:

• Helps remove the shame and fear of being sexual
• Puts the Nice Guy in charge of his own sexual needs
• Removes dependency on unavailable partners or pornography
• Helps the Nice Guy learn to please the person that matters most—himself
• Gives the Nice Guy permission to have as much good sex as he wants
• Puts the Nice Guy in charge of his own pleasure

Your girl will feel pressure if you try to make her come every time. She’ll be happy if you also do things “for yourself” when you are having sex with her.

Breaking Free: Activity 38
Set aside time to practice healthy masturbation. Choose a comfortable place where you will be undisturbed.

Practice by looking at yourself and touching yourself without using pornography or fantasy. Pay attention to how it feels to experience your sexuality without any goals or agendas (such as having an orgasm).

Also observe any tendency to distract yourself from what you are experiencing (going into fantasy, becoming goal-oriented, having distracting thoughts, loss of physical sensation).

Just observe these experiences and use them as information about your shame and fear.

Say No to Bad Sex

When it comes to sex, Nice Guys are consummate bottom-feeders. They settle for scraps and come back begging for more.

This is why they are addicted to pornography and other sex services. The only way to get good sex is to take responsibility for it.

Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways.

Once you decide you won’t settle for anything less than good sex, you will:

• let go of the concept of being a great lover
• practice being clear and direct
• choose available partners
• not settle for scraps
• decide that bad sex is not better than no sex

Breaking Free: Activity 39
Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience.

A sexual moratorium can have many benefits:
– Helps break dysfunction cycles
– Eliminates pursuing and distancing
– Releases resentment
– Allows the Nice Guy to see that he can live without sex
– Helps the Nice Guy realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience
– Helps the Nice Guy see how he settles for bad sex
– Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy’s partner can withhold sex or approval
– Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses: whenever the Nice Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, “Why am I feeling sexual?”
– Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and other addictive behaviors
– Helps the Nice Guy begin to address feelings he has been avoiding with sex

Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time. I suggest three to six months. Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience.

You don’t have to do it perfectly.

The Bull Moose

Bull mooses are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. So girls get turned on naturally.

As Nice Guys become more comfortable being themselves, they become more self-confident, which in turn makes them more attractive.

Often, a Nice Guy’s partner gets more turned on as the Nice Guys “selfishly” put themselves first.

What makes sex exciting is what precisely makes sex terrifying.

As recovering Nice Guys release their sexual shame and fear, take responsibility for their own pleasure, refuse to settle for bad sex, and practice being just who they are, they put themselves in the position to embrace this cosmic force (sex) without fear or reservation.

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Chapter Nine: Get The Life You Want: Discover Your Passion And Purpose In Life, Work, And Career

If there were no limits to your life, where would you live, what would you do, what work would you do?

You need to ask yourself two questions:

1. Are you creating the life you want?
2. Why not?

All Nice Guys are moderately successful by objective standards, but clearly not enough by their own standards.

There are a few reasons why Nice Guys aren’t building the life they want:

• Fear
• Trying to do it right
• Trying to do everything themselves
• Self-sabotage
• A distorted self-image
• Deprivation thinking
• Staying stuck in familiar but dysfunctional systems

Fear

Pretty much everything Nice Guys do or don’t do is governed by fear.

Nice Guys are scared to:

• Ask for a raise
• Go back to school to learn some important skills
• Quit a job they hate
• Start their own business
• Live where they really want to

They’re afraid of making mistakes or losing it all, so they remain stuck where they are.

But above all, Nice Guys are afraid to succeed because they’re afraid that:

• People will think they’re a fraud
• They won’t be able to live up to the expectations
• They’ll be criticized
• They won’t be able to handle their role
• They will lose control
• They’ll mess the whole thing up

Trying to Do Everything Right

Change is the only constant in life. To change, you need to let go of what you cannot control. Nice Guys are obsessed with control because they want to keep their lives smooth.

So they do everything right. This is a problem, as it leads to:

• No creativity or productivity
• Perfectionism
• Remaining stuck in mediocrity
• Preventing risk-taking
• Making Nice Guys rigid, cautious, and fearful

This leads to making Nice Guys bored and unhappy with their lives.

Trying to Do Everything Themselves

Nice Guys are terrible receivers because they weren’t adequately given as kids. As a result, they also can’t ask for help, and try to make everything together.

Because they do everything themselves, they never really master one skill.

Fear Of Success

Because Nice Guys are afraid to succeed, they self-sabotage by:

• Wasting time
• Making excuses
• Not finishing projects
• Caretaking other people
• Having too many projects going on at once
• Getting caught up in chaotic relationships
• Procrastinating
• Not setting boundaries

Nice Guys appear competent, but they’re not because being really good attracts too much attention and problems.

So Nice Guys avoid being too successful.

Distorted Self Image

Nice Guys believe that since their needs weren’t important enough to be taken care of as a child, it means they are themselves not important.

That’s the basis of their toxic shame.

At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough.

If the Nice Guy was also required to tend to the emotional or physical needs of an irresponsible adult (and failed to do so), he also developed a feeling of inadequacy.

So they compensate by trying to do everything right so no one ever finds out how inadequate they are.

The feeling of inadequacy prevents them from improving.

Deprivation Thinking

Since their needs weren’t met as children, Nice Guys grew up in a world of scarcity.

This makes Nice Guys manipulative and controlling – they believe that it will be the only way that their needs will be met. They also think small. They settle for mediocrity and think that they deserve it.

Dysfunctional, But Familiar Systems

Two patterns prevent Nice Guys from getting what they want:

1. The first is that they tend to re-create familiar yet dissatisfying relationships.
2. Second, Nice Guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want because they are bad enders.

They keep doing more of the same, hoping things will change – but they never do.

It’s the same thing for their jobs. They see themselves as hopeless victims hence, act as such.

Realizing Your Passion And Potential

Follow the following strategies.

Face Your Fears

There is no secret. If there is something you are super afraid of doing, all you can do is…actually do that thing.

1. Decide you have to stop being a victim.
2. Set boundaries.
3. The boundaries will help you feel respected. You will start believing in yourself.
4. You will start to be more honest too.
5. Accept that you don’t need 99% of the things you think you need to survive.

Breaking Free: Activity 40
Name a tangible fear from your life. Write down how you will confront that specific issue. Then, take a small step toward facing that fear. Ask someone to encourage and support you. Don’t try to do it alone. Remember, no matter what happens, you will handle it.

Eg:
– Ask for a raise or promotion
– Quit an unsatisfying job
– Start your own business
– Go back to school
– Confront a conflict situation
– Promote an idea or something you have created
– Pursue a lifelong goal
– Spend more time with a hobby or interest

Chart Your Own Path

Most folks—Nice Guys included—do not consciously take responsibility for creating the kind of life they want.

Most Nice Guys struggle with the idea of responsibility because they are so used to being passive.

When they’re asked to visualize the life that they want, they often can’t do it.

The only way to fight this back is to make a conscious decision.

• A conscious decision to face fears
• A conscious decision to not settle for mediocrity
• A conscious decision to make my own rules

You need to understand that if others can do it, so can you.

Breaking Free: Activity 41
What do you really want in life? What prevents you from making it happen? Write down three things you want to make happen in your life.

Then write a personal affirmation that will take you where you want to go and post it on a sheet of paper where you can see it. Share your dreams and your affirmation with a safe person.

Don’t Try to Do It Right

Permit yourself to fail.

This will decrease the pressure a lot, and will help you succeed.

Breaking Free: Activity 42
How does your perfectionism or need to do it right get in the way of realizing your passion and potential? Pick one thing that you have always wanted to do: write a book, turn your hobby into a business, move, go back to school, fully embrace a talent.

Now, ask yourself the question: if you knew ahead of time that this endeavor would be a success, would you hesitate to do it? Would this knowledge set you free from the belief that you have to do it perfectly?

Would this knowledge motivate you to get started or complete what you have already begun? What risks would you be willing to take if you knew ahead of time that there was no way for you to fail? What are you waiting for?

Let go of the need to do it perfectly and just do it!

Learn to Ask for Help

You don’t have to do everything yourself. In fact, you can’t.

Learn to ask for help. It will be extremely unsettling at the beginning, but you will need it. And people often love to help anyway!

Breaking Free: Activity 43
Do you believe your needs are important? Do you believe other people want to help you meet your needs? On a sheet of paper, make a list of helpers you have in your life right now.

These can be friends and family members, they can be professionals, such as doctors, lawyers, therapists, and CPAs. After making the list, answer the following questions:
– What kind of helpers do you still need?
– How can you use these helpers more effectively?
– How do you prevent these people from helping you?

Start looking for opportunities to ask these people for help. Build networks. Before asking for help, repeat the affirmation: This person wants to help me get my needs met.

Identify Your Self-Sabotage Behavior

Nice Guys sabotage themselves in countless ways.

They waste time, they procrastinate, they start things but don’t finish, they spend too much time fixing other people’s problems, they distract themselves with trivial pursuits, they create chaos, they make excuses.

In most situations, Nice Guys aren’t victims to others, they victimize themselves.

If you truly want to get what you want to get, you need to consciously make the decision to stop sabotaging yourself.

It is a crucial step, and you can’t recover from your Nice Guy Syndrome without doing so.

Breaking Free: Activity 44
Identify how you sabotage yourself. Once you have identified your patterns, determine what you have to do differently to get what you really want. Review each item below and identify specific behaviors that will help you stop sabotaging yourself and achieve your goals.
– Focus
– Do it now
– Accept “good enough” rather than “perfect”
– Finish what you start
– Don’t start new projects until the old ones are completely finished
– Don’t make excuses
– Detach from other people’s problems

Share your strategy with a safe person. Check in with them on a regular basis to monitor how you are doing (failing to do this part would be an effective way to sabotage yourself).

Develop a More Accurate View of the World

Due to their early life experiences, Nice Guys tend to be ruled by deprivation thinking. They believe there is only so much to go around, and if someone else already has a lot there is less for them.

They think they have to control and manipulate or the little that they have will go away.

Nice Guys have a scarcity mindset in a world of abundance.

When you begin to see the world as abundant (what it truly is), you are no longer afraid to lose what you have because you know that there is much more.

• If one man can make a million dollars, why can’t you?
• If one man can start the business of his dreams, why can’t you?
• If one man can drive a Mercedes, why can’t you?
• If one man can quit a crummy job and find a better one, why can’t you?
• If one man can be a snowboarding instructor, why can’t you?

Breaking Free: Activity 45
Close your eyes for a moment. Take a couple of deep breaths and exhale slowly. Clear your mind. Once you are relaxed, picture yourself living in an abundant world.

In this abundant world, there are no restraints or limitations. Good things flow past you continuously. Imagine every abundant thing you have ever desired—car, home, friends, love, joy, wealth, success, peace of mind, challenge.

Visualize yourself living your life surrounded by this abundance. Repeat this visualization several times a day until it begins to feel real to you. Open your arms, your heart, and your mind.

Get out of the way, and let it happen.

Get The Life You Want

Nice Guys believe that there is a set of rules that govern everything, and that if they can get the key to these rules (or hack them), then they will have a smooth and happy life.

They also believe that failing to obey and respect these rules will yield terrible consequences!

The truth is that there are no rules. The only rules that exist are the ones you establish.

Breaking Free: Activity 46
Read over the list of rules below. Try a few of them. Add to the list your own personal rules. Write these rules on note cards and put them where you can see them every day.

– If it frightens you, do it.
– Don’t settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
– Put yourself first.
– No matter what happens, you will handle it.
– Whatever you do, do it one hundred percent.
– If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
– You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
– Ask for what you want.
– If what you are doing isn’t working, try something different.
– Be clear and direct.
– Learn to say “no.”
– Don’t make excuses.
– If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
– Let people help you.
– Be honest with yourself.
– Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
– Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.
– Don’t tolerate the intolerable—ever.
– Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
– Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
– Accept the consequences of your actions.
– Be good to yourself.
– Think “abundance.”
– Face difficult situations and conflict head-on.
– Don’t do anything in secret.
– Do it now.
– Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
– Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.
– Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
– Control is an illusion. Let go. Let life happen.

By taking responsibility for creating the kind of life you really want, you can become all that you were meant to be.

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