Chapter 6: Rejections and Success
The first step to overcoming rejection is to accept that you will get rejected. It will hurt, but you’ll be fine.
Your ability to deal with the failure will determine how much you get to deal with success.
Dan Kennedy
Men that don’t own their truth are often afraid to get rejected. If they did own their truths, they’d realize that there is nothing to be afraid of and that rejection is great – it helps you find the right girl faster.
Furthermore, rejection is rarely your fault. You will meet a lot of amazing women that are just not in the mood of talking to you for reasons beyond your control.
It’s hard to meet the right girl at the right moment. You will often meet the right girl at the wrong moment.
This is why you are the one that needs to filter women, not the opposite. This is why you want to polarize them as soon as possible.
Change your mindset from “I wonder if she’ll like me” to “I wonder what she’s like”.
From “I hope I don’t get rejected” to “I hope I’ll have a nice conversation”.
Men Who Only Experience Rejection
There is a category of men, often decent looking, smart, successful, who never get any girl.
This is because they haven’t found their truth. They’re completely dissociated from who they really are. They have a lot of emotional baggage and are oblivious to their own needs.
Their life is built on conditionality: I have this job so that people respect me, I want to have sex so that I am valuable, etc.
This isn’t honest.
To live “honestly”, you need three conditions.
- Lifestyle: living based on your values -> developing a lifestyle that suits you.
- Courage: becoming comfortable with your intentions -> expressing your truth by being courageous, fighting your fears and anxieties.
- Communication: expressing your sexuality freely.
These are the three fundamentals.
Chapter 7: The Three Fundamentals
As we said above, there are:
- Honest living: Having a lifestyle you enjoy.
- Honest action: Overcoming your fears and anxiety around women.
- Honest communication: Expressing your emotions fluidly.
The only way to improve them is by drilling deeper into your vulnerability.
Honest living is about really knowing the type of lifestyle you want to have, and working to achieve it.
If you hate your job, friends, and hobbies, you’re not living honestly. Honest living influences the quality of women you can get.
Honest action is about getting rid of anxieties around women. Anxieties happen when we are more invested in others than we are in ourselves.
It’s called honest action because if you see a girl you want to talk to and you don’t, you’re not living honestly because you didn’t follow your desire.
Fear is a result of feelings of inferiority or unworthiness. If you’re scared to approach a girl, it means you care more about what she thinks of you than what you think of yourself.
If you’re afraid to invite a girl home, it’s because you’re afraid of the fact you want to sleep with her and that she may reject you because of that.
Once you get rid of your fear of rejection, you will most likely find a girl. Honest action influences the number of women you can get.
Finally, honest communication is about charisma, having “game”. That means having:
- Sense of humor. Sense of humor is the art of turning a negative situation into a positive one – laughing about one’s misfortune.
- Connecting with people
- Telling stories
- Expressing yourself
Honest communication influences how fast you can get the girl.
Two Types of Men
You’re whether socially anxious (you can’t approach) or socially disconnected (you can’t talk and connect).
The rest of the book will dive into honest living, honest action, and honest communication.
Part III: Honest Living
Chapter 8: Demographics
The most important question to answer first is:
Which women do you want to meet and what kind of relationship do you want to have with them?
Demographics explain why sometimes you meet women you get along with effortlessly. More often than not, you meet these women in situations where you’re having fun and doing what you love – where you’re living honestly.
Lifestyle Choices
Sit down and ask yourself these questions:
- What do you value in a woman?
- Where do these women hang out?
- What do you enjoy doing most?
Now your task is to go find where these women hang out and meet them.
You won’t be compatible with everyone, so you need to narrow your focus and aim at the highest compatibility possible – that is, women that share your values.
Beliefs and Self-Selection
While lifestyle is an obvious filter for the type of women you will meet, beliefs also screen and filter out women that will not suit you.
Our beliefs influence our behavior which influences our capacity to attract.
If you believe all women are untrustworthy, you’ll only attract untrustworthy women.
So the first step is to find out what your beliefs are, and whether they’re true or not.
If they’re not true, then you should find out why you have them in the first place (likely due to a specific experience), come to terms with that experience, and replace these fake beliefs with real ones.
Beliefs -> expectations -> results.
Some men assume all girls are attracted to them. As a result, they pursue them all and end up with the ones that actually like them.
Some men assume no girls like them. So they don’t pursue any and end up with no girls.
Some assume all women play games. So they play games with women, even those that don’t play games, and end up losing them.
And finally, some assume women play no game, stop talking to the ones that do, and end up with those that don’t.
Age, Money, and Look
Age, money, and look matter, but not nearly as much as most think.
Men’s physic peaks at 31 and doesn’t really decline until 45. Men’s attractiveness, furthermore, is more based on their style than their actual physique.
Regarding money, it’s important only if you’re old.
If you’re 21, you’re not expected to have money.
Furthermore, money is important as much as the girl is poor. The less money she has, the more important money will be.
As we can see, this whole money-looks-age thing is important only for girls in certain demographics and doesn’t matter in other demographics (that being said, you should still be as good-looking and as rich as you can.)
So, why do money, looks, and success matter? Because of status. Money, looks, and success all indicate status, and status remains important for a girl.
The more money/looks/success you have, the less attractive behavior you need. The less money/looks/success you have, the more attractive behavior you need.
Once again, status depends on your demographics. A guy with status at an art gallery won’t have any at a college house party.
Know your interest and strength, and build status for your specific demographic.
Social proof
Social proof is the idea that the more people know you, the higher your status. It’s not exclusive to women. If a guy enters a room and everyone goes to say hi to him, you will also be intrigued.
The more social proof you’ll have, the higher the attraction.
Once you found your demographics, try to accumulate as much social capital as you can.
Don’t just go to parties; organize them.
The Most Beautiful Women
Since these women can get the top 1% of men, they rarely settle for less. Since they’re not needy at all, they’re very sensitive to the slightest neediness sign in men too.
And since they have 99% of men going after them, that also changes their behavior.
So, that means you need to be a complete package.
Since these women are beautiful, men often try harder, hence becoming needier.
So, how do you avoid this?
Give up on their beauty. Don’t pay attention to it. Since most guys will desperately try to impress them in a needy way, the guy that will stand out will be the one that connects with them emotionally.
Give up the 0/10 rating scale. From now on, girls are either 1 (attractive) or 0 (non-attractive).
Being Something Versus Saying Something
Being something attractive > saying something attractive.
The only reason why you should talk to a girl is to have enough time to show her how amazing you are. Not perform. Show. A successful man doesn’t need to prove he is successful. He just is.
Your life and everything that it encompasses, is a reflection of your emotional investment in yourself. And the more invested you are in yourself, the less needy you are with others.
From the book: Men who are more heavily invested in others than in themselves will float through life doing what others direct them to do. They will wear whatever seems “OK.” They’ll groom themselves to the bare-minimum level. They’ll get the normal job or go to a normal school just because that’s what normal people do. They’d never bother to strive to do something unique or original or transcendent because that would mean risking not being accepted by others.
These people dress normally, look normally, say normal things.
These men aren’t polarizing, hence, they’re not attractive.
The more polarizing you are, the more attractive you are.
Chapter 9: How to Be Attractive
While men are highly attracted to a woman’s physique, men’s physique doesn’t play as much for women.
Yet appearance is extremely important. How you look reflects your level of self-investment.
First step:
- Take showers
- Wear deodorant
- Shave
- Cut your hair
- Brush your teeth
- Keep clean fingernails
- Wear clean clothes
Let’s now talk about fashion.
The rules of fashion are:
- Wear clothes that fit
- Wear clothes that match
- Dress to your personality
Most men wear clothes that are too big because they’re comfortable. This is wrong. Get rid of all of the clothes that don’t fit.
Your belt should match your shoes/accessories (watch, etc); your socks should match your pants; your accessories should be gold or silver.
Finally, dress like who you are. If you’re a laid-back and chilled guy, dress this way.
Let’s now talk about fitness.
Exercising (whatever that is) is non-negotiable.
Cut sugar from your diet.
Body Language
Head up, back straight. Your feet should align with your shoulders. Slightly balance your arms when you walk.
Look at people in the eye, and never look down; don’t break eye contact.
Vocal Tonality
Your voice should be coming from your chest so that it is clear and loud.
Don’t speak too fast.
How to Be Fascinating
Develop Artistic Taste
Most guys will describe something they like as “cool”. This is far from remarkable.
You should know why you like something, and why you don’t.
Explore and think critically about the movies, music, and books you consume.
What’s good about it, what’s bad about it, and why?
So, how do you start if you have never consumed any of these? Pick the best of a category, and slowly move deeper into it.
Try new things
Most men go to their job, then play a bit of WoW on the weekend, then go back to their job, in a never-ending cycle.
It’s super boring.
What have you done that is unique?
Take a sheet of paper and list unique things you have done and very few people have. Now take another sheet and write all of the things you’d like to do.
If your first list has fewer than 10 items, you need to go out more. If your second list has fewer than 10 items, you need to try more stuff.
Have an opinion
Indifference makes you dull and boring, and most people are dull and boring.
From now on, every time you hear something new, think about how it makes you feel, and get an opinion on it.
Conclusion: if you don’t have a life, you’re unlikely to find a girl because your level of self-investment is extremely low.
Part IV
Chapter 10: What Are Your Stories?
When you meet a girl and don’t approach her…what stories/excuses do you tell yourself?
Write them down. You need to be aware of them or you’ll never change your behavior.
Eg: “I am too short”; “this girl is too slutty”; “I don’t like her hair”; “she only dates assholes”; “I am not dressed well enough”.
All of this is bs. Your brain will never stop making these excuses, so, you will succeed if you take action despite them.
One of the best ways to do so is to change the stories.
Eg: “I am the right height”; “this girl looks nice”; “her hair color is original”; “she probably dates guys like me”; “I am dressed well today”.
Defense Mechanism
We all have fear and shame that manifests themselves in different ways.
- Fear of approaching
- Fear of stating sexual interest
- Fear of initiating sex
- Fear of sex itself
The less confident you are, the more anxiety you have.
Sexual anxiety is often caused by:
- Lack of a father as a child
- Abuse as a child
- Trauma
- Strict upbringing (culture, religion)
- Bullying
- Etc
Anxiety is the biggest barrier to men having sex. If you remove it, the sex will take care of itself.
Anxiety also signals a high level of investment of your identity in the opinion of others.
To get rid of your anxiety, you need to be aware of the stories you tell yourself when you’re afraid.
Eg:
- “I don’t care about this girl”
- “If I was taller/richer/more handsome/not as tired, then I totally would approach her”.
- You intellectualize it
In these three cases, the man avoids the fear and convinces himself of his story.
Here’s how you can break the pattern:
- What are you most anxious about? Approaching? Kissing? Sex?
- Write down your pattern. Eg: I don’t approach and use blame as an excuse.
- Create a goal to get rid of the anxiety. Eg: approaching 5 girls in a bar.
- Ask someone to hold you accountable
You’re not a victim. When you say “all the girls in my city are bad”, it’s unlikely to be them that are at fault, and much more likely to be you that has a problem.
Sexual Motivation
A lot of men, due to porn, lack the motivation to go out and meet girls because they can satisfy their sexual desire at home.
Indeed, masturbation decreases motivation to do anything.
Very successful men often abstained from masturbating to channel their energy into creative work.
So, here’s what you should do:
- Never watch any porn ever again and get rid of all of the porn you have.
- Masturbate no more than once a week.
- When you do masturbate, you are forbidden to masturbate to porn or to think about it.
- When you see a beautiful girl somewhere, imagine yourself having sex.
Chapter 11: How to Overcome Anxiety
Think about the last time you came up with an excuse not to hang out with someone that wanted to hang out with you. How did it feel? Not good.
Well, women don’t like to reject guys either. In fact, they’re dying to meet guys – but guys that are attractive!
When you approach her, she’s hoping you’re cool and high-status.
She’s rooting for you.
The Guide to Overcoming Your Anxiety
Fear of approaching is normal, and no one can eliminate it. The trick isn’t to get rid of it, but to act in spite of it.
What you resist will persist.
Don’t try to get rid of the fear or “be relaxed about it”. Embrace it, welcome it, and…take action.
Psychology found out that people under a certain amount of stress performed better than if they had no stress at all; and that the confidence that they could succeed played a huge part in their success.
-> the more competent you think you are, the better you will perform.
The best way to adapt to anxiety isn’t to go approach the hottest girl in the club right away. It’s to slowly expose yourself to higher doses of anxiety, step by step.
Simply start asking women how they’re doing. Then have a longer conversation. Then flirt, then ask for numbers, etc.
The bolder you are, the more you polarize, the faster it will go. She’ll either say yes enthusiastically to your date proposal, or no.
Be bold, but remain charismatic and communicate efficiently.
Part V: Honest Communication
Chapter 12: Your Intentions
Vulnerability only holds weight when it’s communicated unconditionally – that is, when you’re not expecting anything in return.
Let’s take this idea further.
Men communicate with facts, statistics, and data.
Women communicate with feelings and through intentions, that is, through sub-communication.
Eg: “see you at 18h00”: for a guy, it means that they will see each other at 18h00.
For a girl, it means “omg he wants to see me, does it mean he likes me? Is it a date? What should I wear?”
This is why pick up lines don’t work. The girl isn’t receptive to the line. She’s receptive to the intention.
The idea of intention is what makes the difference between negging and insulting; or sharing and bragging. Technically, they’re the same, but they have different intentions.
-> what you talk about has less importance than the intention.
Creepiness
All guys appear creepy sometimes. It’s normal, not all women will like it when you unapologetically express your feelings.
The basis of all female attraction is security. It’s why she looks for men less needy than herself. It’s why she’s attracted to status and confidence and it’s why she looks for men who speak and behave in line with their intentions.
The further you are from your intention, the creepier you become.
Eg: if you talk about the weather while being horny AF, you’ll appear as creepy as you won’t be in line with your intentions.
But if you tell her right off the bat you want to have sex after meeting her…you’ll also be creepy because girls aren’t used to that.
Vulnerability is subject to the right intentions.
Side note: sex is the ultimate act of vulnerability for a girl. The more vulnerable you make yourself to her, the likelier you’ll have sex.
The more comfortable you are about your intentions, the more vulnerable you’ll be, and the more you’ll attract.
The more reserved and closed up you are, the more you attempt to manipulate, the less you’ll attract.
Sexual Tensions
Flirting is the opposite of creepiness.
Flirting is expressing your sexuality to a woman in a confident manner, eliciting her to become more attracted to you.
There are two ways to flirt.
- Teasing
- Boldness
Sexual tension builds when uncertainty of sexual possibilities is presented in an interaction.
Eg: if you’re teasing her verbally (“you’re not my type”) while looking at her dead in the eyes with a smile, there is uncertainty. Your behavior says you like her, but your words say the opposite.
Developing an Emotional Connection
Your ability to connect with a woman emotionally is proportional to how self-aware you are of your own emotional processes and motivations.
The ultimate female fantasy (this book also speaks about this) is the following: a strong alpha male in trouble slowly opens himself to a girl that saves and tames him and they live happily ever after.
The ultimate way to bond with a girl is to have an emotional connection with her.
Here’s how it works:
- Become aware of your own emotions and desires
- Share them with her
- Let the connection happen
Always relate to feelings, not facts.
You can have every fact in common with someone else yet not relate because you have “feelings” (interests, desires) about different stuff.
Chapter 13: How to Be Charming
Even if your intention and communication are clear, there are going to be girls that will misinterpret you. This is a fact of life, so don’t worry too much about it.
Clear communication will always improve your life, so you need to learn how to become clear.
First Impression
First impressions are important as we base our opinion of someone almost only on the first impression.
In fact, most guys can feel during the first few minutes if they are going to get along with a girl or not.
Most guys struggle with what to say when they approach, but as we have already covered, what you say doesn’t matter. Your intention does.
That being said, here are a few guidelines for approaching women.
- Don’t scare them, don’t approach from behind, don’t scream, don’t say something rude or weird.
- Keep it simple: introduce yourself and just say you wanted to meet her cuz she’s cute. The fancier you try to be, the weirder it will sound.
- Don’t wait. The sooner you approach, the more natural it is.
- Smile
If you repeatedly fail, it’s probably because:
- You’re not well dressed/shaved etc
- Your intention is wrong
- You didn’t respect the guidelines above
Conversation skills
1. Using effective language
Speak what you mean using the minimum number of words.
Quality always wins over quantity in conversation. Remove filler words (hum, you know, like, etc).
2. Questions VS statements
A statement is much better. Don’t ask her “where are you from”; tell her “you look like a Spanish girl”.
It also saves you from running out of things to say.
3. Storytelling
Human beings are passionate about stories. There are three main points to a story.
- The setup: setting up the scene for the story.
- Content: the moment when tension arises. It hooks the audience – they want to know what happens next.
- Resolution
People speak more in stories than anything else in real life. Develop this habit with anyone.
4. Relating and connecting
When you are talking to a girl, there are only two real topics: her and you.
This is how you connect with:
- Being open about yourself
- Getting her to be open about herself
- Relating to each other’s experiences
Men have a hard time talking about themselves, and always talk about things outside of them. Women, on the opposite, are only engaged when they talk about themselves.
Humor
A strong sense of humor conveys all the right things. The more you laugh, the more invested in yourself you seem.
There are different types of humor.
Misdirection: “You know the way girls look at you when they want sex? Me neither.”
Exaggeration: “She was as ugly as a dog.”
Teasing and sarcasm: not everyone will find them funny. Teasing is a derogatory comment you make, but with good intentions. Sarcasm is darker. It’s a statement that means the complete opposite of what you mean, said dead seriously.
Swearing: Don’t use it too much.
If you struggle with humor, watch a lot of standup comedians.
Don’t do self-deprecating humor.
Humor is good, but too much will make you an entertainer, not a lover.
Chapter 14: The Dating Process
The dating process works more or less like this: exchange contact details, meet, repeat until it leads to sex and you decide what type of relationship you have.
- Only ask a girl her phone number if she seems attracted to you.
- The way to ask for her phone number is just to ask her.
- Expect flakes and don’t fret over them
- The author’s policy is that after two or three flakes, he gives up and moves on to the next girl.
- The harder you try to win the girl over text, the more unconfident you sound
- She’ll flake if you didn’t game her well at the beginning.
- Don’t get cute or fancy in your texts. Don’t joke or do sarcasm as she will likely not understand them.
Dates
Save dates for the night, never do dates during the day or afternoon.
Don’t go eat for the first date either.
Start the date between 18h and 21h, later than that, it’s too late.
Don’t do movie dates, it’s weird, awkward, you can’t speak, and you can’t touch each other.
Things to try: bars, nightclubs, comedy clubs, bowling alleys, etc.
Find places that are near to your place or hers.
Now, you should do three activities during a date. Eg: walk, get a drink, play bowling.
The more different things you do, the more things you’ll share, and the more you’ll emotionally connect.
If you can dance, dance. If you want to drink, finish the date with it.
Get the date to be as interactive as possible.
Always be leading. Never ask her “what do you want to do now”?
As time goes by, your conversations should be getting deeper – less “fun stuff” and more “deep stuff”.
If you do things well, you should be kissing her by the second half of the first date.
Pay, unless she stops you and insists to pay/share the bill.
Signals Women Give
Before you talk to a girl, she may send these signals:
- Eye contact
- Smiling
- She approaches you
- She gets close to you
When she talks to you:
- She laughs at something that wasn’t super funny
- She plays with her hair
- Eye contact
- Proximity
- Prioritizing you over her friends
Escalation signals:
- You isolate together
- She ditches her friends for you (enormous signal)
- Touches you
Chapter 15: Physicality and Sex
Getting physical with women is the most important skill.
Most men that suck with women never do that.
Physicality is the one thing that will make you have sex fast even if the rest of your skills (convo, etc) suck.
So, unless she clearly says no to your advances, you should be “physically aggressive” while ofc, never, ever, ever harassing her.
There are two reasons for that:
- You want to make her comfortable with you touching her.
- You want her to see you as dominant, and people that touch are considered more dominant.
So, how do you start? Integrate your touching into the conversation. If she laughs at your joke, touch her arm to punctuate the emotion.
The touching should evolve progressively, starting with the outer part of her body, and then moving in.
Kissing
At any time you think you can kiss her, you could already have done it 10 minutes ago. Men are bad at knowing when to kiss, and almost always wait for too long.
Don’t:
- Lick her all over her face
- Launch your tongue into her throat
- Apply too much pressure
Think “massaging with lips.”
Beware, as there is nothing more of a turnoff than a bad kisser.
Always be the first one to pull away after you’ve kissed her.
Escalating
Once you’ve kissed her, she’ll likely be comfortable enough to go home with you, granted you kiss well and she feels comfortable with you.
You can now move your hands to more intimate parts of her body. Start with her breasts. If she lets you do it, you can take off her shirt.
Slowly undress her keep on undressing her and yourself.
The biggest sign for her that sex is about to happen is when you take off your shirt (not when she’s taking hers, weirdly).
At any moment, if she says no, or stop, you need to stop.
Anything further than that is rape.
If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, do not get angry.
Sex
You want to start with foreplay. Massage her beast, suck on her nipple, etc.
Take it slow, girls love to be teased.
The most important thing when it comes to sex is to be dominant.
Women love to be dominated during sex as it turns them on like crazy.
Here’s how you become dominant:
- Make some noise. Don’t have sex silently.
- Dirty talks
- Change positions often, get physical
- Don’t ask her. Just do, she’ll tell you if she doesn’t like it.
Above all, talk and communicate. Sex is always a bit awkward in the beginning. Relax, and don’t be dramatic if awkward things happen.
Good line to say if you screw up: “they make it seem so easy in the movies”.
Did you enjoy the summary? Get the book here!
Subscribe to my monthly newsletter and I'll send you a list of the articles I wrote during the previous month + insights from the books I am reading + a short bullet list of savvy facts that will expand your mind. I keep the whole thing under three minutes.
How does that sound?
