A few years ago, I wrote “18 Science-Backed Reasons to Not Get Married – And What to Do Instead” after I had been on the phone with a friend who hesitated to accept a marriage proposal from a friend of hers (long story).
I was in my early twenties and foresaw my future as an endless stream of travel and flings with local girls, seeing no upside in signing a contract taking my freedom away to tie it to somebody else’s fate.
I also deemed my mounting biological need for a relationship and children as a phase that wouldn’t last.
But it did.
A yearning for meaning and failure to find it in superficial relationships led me to reevaluate my stance on marriage and one-night stands.
Slowly but surely, my opinion shifted, which led to this article.
Now.
When looking for reasons to do something, it’s important to distinguish the “good” positive reasons from the “bad” positive reasons.
There are many reasons to get married such as “you’ll live longer”, “you’ll earn more money”, or “you’ll pay fewer taxes”. But these are terrible reasons to get into a commitment that will last a lifetime.
So I made sure to choose four valid positive reasons to get married.
1. The Lindy Effect
The Lindy Effect is a principle according to which what has been done for a long time:
- Is likely not negative.
- Is likely to work for as long as it has been working.
Eg: gold has been used as an asset for thousands of years. Per the Lindy effect, it will probably remain so for at least as long.
The Lindy Effect invites us to question why marriage was universal across cultures and why 4500 years after its invention, it still exists.
In The History of Human Marriage, Finnish philosopher and anthropologist Edvard Westermarck argues that marriage evolved naturally out of the need to provide care for children.
More than just a contract, it’s a social institution that emerged out of biology, explaining why it became almost universal across cultures that didn’t have any contact with one another.
This type of institution (along with the Church or the family) has been a part of Western culture for so long that not only have they integrated into the fabric of society, but the functions they fulfill are not even noticed anymore.
When you opt out of marriage, you bet against the wisdom of people over the last 4500 years.
2. The Alternative Is Probably Worse
I am going to sound like Jordan Peterson.
You have two paths ahead: the marriage path, and the celibate path.
*Jordan Peterson’s angry voice* Neither of them is ideal.
The first one condemns you to a life of commitment, compromise, efforts, self-development, communication, lack of freedom, and collaboration.
The second one condemns you to a life of loneliness, sexlessness (or worse, if you know what I mean), meaninglessness, boredom, and the nascent idea that you aren’t someone worth marrying.
None of these situations are ideal.
But as human beings remain social animals, it may be best to avoid the celibate option.
Am I saying you should get married because the lonely life isn’t worth it?
Yes. This is exactly what I am saying.
3. It’s Better If You Want to Have Children
In her book The Two-Parent Privilege, Melissa S. Kearney makes the case that beyond the economic impacts of marriage, kids raised in divorced households fare worse than kids who grew up with married parents.
The explanation is not entirely clear, but it seems that children (men particularly) suffer from the absence of their fathers and are subsequently unable to lead a stable life.
Studies have also reported that women felt more comfortable being married to their partners if the couple desired to have kids because it prevents the husband from abandoning his wife, in a vulnerable position when rearing children.
A friend of mine once said her worst fear was to be abandoned by the father of her hypothetical children.
Many such cases.
4. It Compels You to Become Better
I once read a story of a group of people in the concentration camps who had invented an imaginary old woman constantly watching over them (if you know where this story’s from, please email me).
Not to disappoint her, the men had to behave well.
They had to respect a certain sleep schedule, not complain too much, dress well, eat with manners, respect one another – overall, maintain a certain level of standard and structure.
The idea had come along after the prisoners noticed that the men who had “let themselves go” were the first ones to die.
The idea of the old woman ended up circulating among the guards, who, upon hearing it, began to search the camp for that old woman.
But the old woman was an idea, not a real person. It was a why, a reason to wake up in the morning. A call to be a better person.
A friend of mine once said that he had no motivation to do anything for himself.
But his girlfriend? That was something else. He went on to become very successful not for him, but because he didn’t want his girlfriend to date a loser.
Some people need that push. I don’t necessarily need it, but I’d be lying if I said that the perspective of dating women hadn’t compelled me to become a better person.
Conclusion
If you share the belief that behavior mostly stems from genetics, you understand that the very structure of institutions is the product of biology in action.
Marriage has been existing in most cultures since men are men, highlighting the universal desire to choose a partner to commit to for a long period of time.
The default plan is to get married.
From a Darwinian perspective, celibacy is akin to failure.
That’s why it’s difficult to find reasons in favor of marriage. It’s how things should be.
Not getting married, on the other hand, is the path deviating from the norm – the reason why there’s so much material and propaganda about it.
In the end, getting married or not remains a personal matter. It also depends on whether you can find the right person for it.
But when it comes to these life decisions, I’d rather trust tradition than my mere mortal instincts or “desires“.
For more articles, head to auresnotes.com.
The rest of the introspection is for you to make.
Photo by Jørgen Håland on Unsplash
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